btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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