Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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