She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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