She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize