I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
