if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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