i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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