the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
