Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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