I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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