my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
