When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
