My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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