i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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