i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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