I can tuck mytits in my pants
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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