Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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