I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
