The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you will always have a special place in my vag
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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