My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
