god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize