Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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