Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
