i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
