there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
