you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
