Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
smell my finger.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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