Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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