I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need to align my fucking chakras
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize