What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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