i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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