My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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