What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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