I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
