I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
