Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
