I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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