Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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