someone owes me an orgasm
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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