she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
