I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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