i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
