You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
