If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
