Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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