Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
