I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
