I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
