Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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