yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
