Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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