If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
