The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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