I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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