I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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