I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fill condoms, not promises.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
